Destroying yourself is a lot easier, and strangely, a lot
more fun than most people would imagine. You lose sight of everything that you
want to be. No that’s incorrect, you don’t lose sight of it, and you simply
give up all hope of ever making it a reality. Life is hard and even though we
were told that our whole life, many of us never knew. We thought we were
hearing foolish words from resentful adults who weren’t happy with how their life
had turned out. But at some point you come to realize, they weren’t wrong.
Irrespective of your success or failure in the pursuit of your dreams, life is
hard.
Perhaps succeeding in your chosen pursuit makes life easier.
I wouldn’t know. After a foolish and (I believe fortunately) failed attempt at
ending my own life I came to the obvious conclusion that I’m certainly not the
only one with obstacles and difficulties in life. But what scares me more than anything
is the complete lack of direction. I’m adrift at sea with no heading and no
wind. Where does one go from there? I don’t know yet and I don’t know how to
begin to find out.
One of the things that stood out, in my mind, is that I’m unsatisfied
simply working in any kind of production line. I want to be able to create something.
Whether it’s the design for a brilliant car, an interesting read for a few
people, a beautiful photograph for people to admire or even something I haven’t
even thought of yet, I believe that the only two things that are worthwhile in
life are the gathering and spreading of knowledge and the creation of something
that could not have existed were it not for you.
I quit my job and took some time out to figure out what
exactly I want from life. The answer still isn’t clear to me. But I know now
that I want to write. I want to ride. I want to experience. I refuse to settle
for routine. I refuse to settle for mediocre. I reject that kind of existence. No
matter how idealistic it sounds, I’d rather get by on little with an
interesting life than have riches in currency and none in experiences.
I’m still figuring this out. I’m making it up ads I go
along. But I won’t give up yet. Acknowledging this is possibly the first step,
for me. But it’s certainly not my last.
